I wrote recently about my frustration with the general obsession with being busy all the time, so my next confession probably won’t come as much of a surprise. I want to do everything. All the time. I want to be good at everything, I want to have at least tried to have a go at everything and I get sad when I realise that I just can’t do everything. It’s physically impossible. It’s a realisation that has taken me a long time to come to terms with and although I know that it’s inevitable that there will still be moments when I want to say yes to things I don’t have the time for I feel good about starting the new year with a renewed sense of focus.
People often ask me how I manage to fit it all in: a law degree, a blogging career, a social life and about a million and five other little things that I do either through FOMO or because I forget that actually I’m only human. The reality is that when I’m acing one area of my life, it’s likely another is taking the hit. As my blog progresses – something I will forever be grateful for – chances are that I am neglecting my degree. The more events I agree to go to, the more I see my friends, the more my sleep and sense of routine (neither of which I function particularly well without) suffers. As a final year law student I know that, come the Spring time, my life will be a hellish combination of text books heavier than a double decker bus, late nights spent cramming and more money on midnight Dominos orders than I care to admit. I know full well that it doesn’t have to be that way; I could organise my revision so that it doesn’t dominate my life for a frenzied month whilst every other moment is spent wishing I’d started much sooner and actually bothered to turn up to the lectures, rather than watching them on double speed a few nights before the exam. However I know myself, and I know it will be that way, and that’s okay but I also have to accept that during Hell Month (as it shall be hereon referred to as) I have to let go of other things. It already bothers me knowing that I won’t have the same time as I do now to dedicate to my blog and associated platforms, but I am comforted knowing that come the end of exams in May the world really is my fucking oyster. One that definitely will not involve EU Law textbooks.
I am a very able person. At risk of you all thinking my head has swollen to the size of Kimmy K’s behind, I know that I am good at lots of different things and it is both a gift and a curse. It is totally okay to be aware of your own abilities, in fact I whole heartedly recommend it. Sometimes as a result I put pressure on myself to reach an unrealistic potential; I wrote some time ago about why I almost dropped out of my dream university and the struggle with trying to do everything I know I’m good at is still something I haven’t quite managed to let go of. I get sad when I think about all the things I used to do, and do well, that are no longer present in my life – I don’t remember the last time I picked up a paint brush, I haven’t been to a ballet class in over two years and I know that fifteen year old me is bitterly disappointed that I never applied for drama school.
I hope that everyone who reads this takes it as it is intended: an honest reflection on not only myself, but also something I think applies to so many of you too. We are all so obsessed with trying to better ourselves, or with worrying that we are not enough. I wish I could play an instrument. I’m mad that I’m not fluent in French by now. I tend to focus on all the things I can’t do or don’t have time for and it’s really unhealthy. I am so lucky to lead the life that I do but I am also very proud of myself because it’s one that I have built for myself through determination and hard work. I am writing that down in black letters because I know I don’t tell myself that enough, and I bet you don’t either.
I’ve made a pact with myself that, going forward, I am going to stop spreading myself too thin. I am always telling people that they can’t pour from an empty cup; you cannot be the best version of yourself if you’re not taking the time to slow down, exercise self care and refocus on what is important to you. In the new year I am no longer going to be taking on photography bookings, instead I will use the time that I might have spent shooting for someone else concentrating on creating shit hot content and developing my skills. I am no longer going to accept invitations that mean I will be over-tired and that quite frankly, I’ll probably end up cancelling last minute anyway then feeling really guilty about. Instead, I will make the absolute most of every second of the ones that I do attend, be it a blogging event or dinner with my best friend, because I will not be sleep deprived or thinking about all the other things I have to do that week. Lastly, I will try to stop obsessing over all the directions I decided not to go in and focus on being thankful for the opportunities I have and the lifestyle I have chosen to lead. You, my saucepots, need to hold me to that.
SHOP THE LOOK
Photography by Chloe Ely