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Beth Sandland

4 Things I Learnt Giving My Spare Room to a Refugee

09/09/2020 · LIFESTYLE, Your Stories

Giving a room to a refugee, I Gave my Spare Room to a Syrian Refugee, offer room to asylum seeker, bedroom for refugee

Have you ever considered giving a spare room to a refugee? Kate, a 23 year old Psychiatric Nurse from Ireland volunteered to be a ‘refugee host’; that is giving the spare room in their family home to two Syrian refugees in need of safe housing. She’s taken the time to share with us what this experience has taught her.


I’m sure you’re all aware of the global crisis facing the large population seeking asylum and refugee status. The Irish Government’s ‘Direct Provision’ system – providing asylum seekers with accommodation and a small allowance – has been the subject of much human right concern. The conditions are criticised as being illegal, inhuman and degrading. Aware of this, and of large spare room sitting empty in our family home, we decided to give the room to refugees. We contacted the Red Cross and the rest is history. I won’t bore you with the details, but we have linked some articles at the bottom of this page in case you too are interested in giving a spare room to a refugee.

We housed Hassan and Jamal*, two young Syrian men in their early twenties – around the same age as me. They’ve now lived with us for over two years! Hassan is still with us today, Jamal has moved in to a place in Cork with his brother, which was so exciting for him. I didn’t know what to expect, so tried not to over analyse or pre-judge. “It will be what it is”, was my mantra. Reflecting on this journey, perhaps the biggest surprise of all is how much I’ve learnt; how many of my own prejudices born of systemic racism I can now look directly in the face and know that I have out grown. Learnt better.

I didn’t tell many people about our plans to give a room to refugees, or about the men living with us once they moved in. The latter is not my story to tell, and I feared nosiness or a brash response – us Irish have a tendency to be a little sarcastic and over familiar!


Here are four things I learnt from giving my spare room to refugees


Give room to a refugee: I gave my spare room to Syrian refugees

1. Welcoming refugees does not mean you are not racist

When the men arrived, I was shocked. They were dressed in trendy clothes and holding smart phones. I exclaimed my surprise to my boyfriend; s much as I had tried not to, I had created an image in my head of what a refugee looks like. Expensive phones or nice clothes didn’t feature. How dare I? Initially, I used humour to disguise my confusion that I now recognise as racism.

There’s one particular experience that I reflect on regularly. A few months after they had arrived, a package was delivered for Hassan. My friend and I were sitting at the kitchen table and she joked “I hope it’s not a bomb.” We laughed. It was a good joke, right? We were racist.

I may have done a good deed by welcoming these people in need in to our home, but that does not automatically make me a good person, anymore than my misguided, racist comments made me a bad one. I’m grateful to the last two years for how much they’ve challenged me; without this experience I may have been as blind to covert and overt racism for years to come. 

2. I am completely unaware of the state of the world

I like to think I’m cultured. I’ve travelled to over 30 countries, take multiple flights a year, am well educated and have a good job. I’ve since realised that a taste for travel and a fortunate lifestyle does not tick that box. 

As my family and I have attempted to understand the political, economical, religious and social turmoil and unrest currently present in Syria, I realise how ignorant I was to these issues. Learning more about Syria’s history made me aware of just how much there is about the world – other countries, nationalities, ethnicities – that I haven’t a clue about. Initially I felt ashamed, uneducated and  embarrassed to ask in case my questions seemed naive. As I spent more time with the refugees living in our home, they began to share more and more with us. Stories of their hometowns, their families. They were so gracious in educating us and offering us time to process the information too. Now I see it as my duty to learn as much as I can and to honour what they taught me in sharing with others.

3. People don’t ask about it

Very few people ask about the refugees living in our spare room. They didn’t ask how they were settling in. They didn’t ask about their story or their wellbeing, or ours, and they don’t ask whether they’re still living with us. If I do mention something – perhaps celebrating the new job or college course that one of them has achieved – the response tends to be “Oh, they’re still in your house?!”

I’ve spent a lot of time wondering about why people don’t want to know about our experience giving a room to refugees. I think perhaps they’re embarrassed to make a big deal of it for fear of seeming uninformed, like I was initially. Others are intimidated by our decision, it makes them uncomfortable. They have no intention of offering up the unused space in their own home (which is fine, by the way – I’m not here to judge or pressure) so don’t wish to open the conversation. Some just simply cannot fathom welcoming strangers in to their home, least of all in a context marred by racism and fear. 

I don’t like, or dislike a person more because they do or don’t ask. When they are ready, I am here to discuss, share and learn together.

4. I have no idea what the solution is 

I find myself doubting our actions sometimes. Did we do the right thing by giving our room to refugees? Are we encouraging the demand on unsafe passages of immigration? I used to blame the governments, then it was religion, then the entire human race. What I have come to realise is that there are so many kinks in the chain. It’s not as simple as blaming any one person, or people, or thing. Does anyone truly have a full understanding of the situation?

It is not our place to judge those who seek asylum or undertake dangerous migrant journeys. I hope that I will never ever find myself in a situation where fleeing my country seems the safest choice. Most of us are so fortunate that we will never be able to comprehend it.

I think the hardest question is whether, in providing desirable conditions, we’re encouraging risk. I had this discussion with someone who had volunteered at the camps in Calais; each night they would provide food, sleeping bags and essentials to the asylum seekers, only for it to be confiscated by the police the next day. I can see the rationale, but these are human beings. I simply can’t imagine a life in which being smuggled, living homeless or even in a strangers spare room in a foreign country can possibly be ‘desirable’. For that, I’m truly thankful. 

That’s the only solution I see ending the crisis: a day when we are all able to see migrants as human beings in need. I believe each nation has a responsibility and that the scope of our lives are dictated by geographical lottery. My conclusion is this: the actions of my family and I in giving a spare room to refugees is largely insignificant on a global scale, but it changed the lives of two young men who are simply fellow humans in need. That’s huge.

You can find Kate on Instagram: @kateflynnx

*Names have been altered for anonymity


Useful links if you’re interested in giving a room to refugees

Refugees at Home: UK

Positive Action in Housing: UK/Scotland

Red Cross: Ireland

Refugee Council: working with landlords to rent homes to refugees

Do you have a story or experience you want to share? Contact me!

Posted In: LIFESTYLE, Your Stories

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Comments

  1. Jenna says

    09/09/2020 at 12:09

    Such a lovely post – very inspiring! 🙂
    Jenna ♥
    Stay in touch? Life of an Earth Muffin

    Reply
  2. Daria says

    09/09/2020 at 21:14

    It was really interesting to read about Kate’s experience and I agree about “geographical lottery”. Who are we to blame.. Thank you for this post!

    Reply
  3. Julie says

    09/10/2020 at 20:27

    So interesting, thanks for sharing Kate (and Beth)

    Reply

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I am a multi-award winning blogger, photographer and writer from London. I’ve travelled to over 38 countries, lived out of a backpack for a year and love to scuba dive! This site is a destination for all things travel, lifestyle and my successful online book club.

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Serves: 4
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🏀 Basketball belly: the stretch is real! My uterus is now firmly up under my ribs and I swear I can feel them slowly pulling apart. I cried when I sneezed - “it’s like someone STABBED me” (see point 1). Everything feels very round and my old belly piercing scar is not thrilled about life...
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🦒 All the cute things: we’ve decided on a neutral safari themed nursery. Says the person who hates themes.
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🥴 Tasting everything 6 times over: Hi reflux.
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📖 Reading: Your Baby, Your Birth by Hollie de Cruz is next on my bedside table.
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Two things in life that you just can’t have too Two things in life that you just can’t have too much of: books and tea. My survival tools! ☕️📖💫
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Here are 3 titles I’ve read recently (and rated 5/5 - I’m a harsh critic) that are perfect if you need a pick me up or some escapism...
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1. The Authenticity Project by Clare Pooley: an old man leaves a notebook in a cafe for a stranger to find telling his ‘truth’ and challenging them to do the same. The catalyst for a web of unusual friendships and genuine, warm characters...
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2. Educated by Tara Westover: a memoir that reads a little like a fiction depicting Tara’s life growing up in a strict Mormon family in Idaho with a survivalist father who is battling undiagnosed mental illness. They don’t believe in formal education or medicine and any form of governance is the work of the Illuminati. Covers some heavy themes (tw: abuse) and is extremely interesting and engaging.
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3. Queenie by Candice Carty-Williams: sometimes laugh out loud funny, sometimes poignantly sad, Queenie is a vivacious twenty-something growing up as a black woman in an ever gentrifying south London. A crap boyfriend, covert racism and a battle with anxiety paint a backdrop whilst she navigates daily life. It’s excellent!
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Monty the monstera is going to start eating dentists soon. My top tips for a super healthy swiss cheese plant -
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🌱 A lovely bright spot away from direct sun (not a problem in winter) and radiators.
🌱 Intuitive watering: stick your finger in and water when the top 2” of the soil are dry, rather than to a set schedule. The amount needed depends on your plant (I use around 700ml approx every 10 days) but make sure you’ve got good drainage!
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With less than 2 weeks until the final trimester I thought I’d try and document weekly, as much for me to look back on. This photo is already a week old and I seem to be growing by the day!
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What’s the crack this week?...
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🐙 Movement: I saw my belly move from the outside like a scene from Alien for the first time. At bed time it feels like a small octopus is doing the Macarena in my uterus. It’s still the most magical feeling in the world.
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📖 Reading: The Positive Birth Book by @milli.hill. It puts across all options in a clear, non-judgey, humorous way and has made me think of things I’d never heard of. It’s also the first time I’ve understood what a birth plan might physically look/read like.
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🧘🏼‍♀️ Hypnobirthing: I’ve started to feel more nervous about the birth (not the actual act or the pain, rather fears I won’t share as don’t want to project) but we’re starting hypnobirthing online next week which I’m looking forward to!
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👯‍♀️ Following: @birth_ed, @takingcarababies, @mixing.up.motherhood are accounts that are bringing joy/invaluable info.
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I loved being a pregnant bride. Often a baby is a I loved being a pregnant bride. Often a baby is a reason to delay or speed up a wedding (lots assumed that was the case for us, but it wasn’t!) and is generally seen as perhaps spoiling things a little. It’s totally fine if you do feel that way, but for us it made it extra magical. It felt totally right to have our little bub between us as we exchanged vows and I was happy to embrace the bump in my dress. I still chose exactly the look and fit I wanted and wore the sparkly heels and in a way, I found trying dresses on much lower pressure as I wasn’t worrying about my figure. Perhaps the biggest difference was staying sober and the fact that we had a tiny wedding with a fancy lunch rather than a party probably made this a lot easier. I raised a toast with our four guests but beyond that, I didn’t have any inclination to drink anyway. Bonus - a great nights sleep and no hangover! 🥂👰🏻
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Photographer: @victoriasomersethowphotography
Dress: ASOS
Box fresh kicks ready to explore [from the bedroom Box fresh kicks ready to explore [from the bedroom to the kitchen, to the loo...aaand repeat]...at least they’ll stay clean 🥴☕️
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Type into browser: https://rstyle.me/cz-n/ewjdwzcbq2x (junior size 🤑 if under a UK 5.5)
AD: Pregnancy has given me a lot of time to reflec AD: Pregnancy has given me a lot of time to reflect on my relationship with alcohol over the last year. 🍸 I flitted between giving it up when pregnant or for fertility purposes, then using it as an emotional crutch in loss which made me more anxious and restless. This time - now 6 months pregnant - I haven’t had a drink since August and have been really pleasantly surprised by how little I’ve missed it, even over the festive season. I’m not into vilifying booze; I enjoy a couple of drinks and even the feeling of lowered inhibitions and being tipsy. But I know that even post-pregnancy and the other-side of the hazy newborn/breastfeeding days, I’ll try and maintain a far more positive relationship with alcohol which for me, looks like indulging lightly and occasionally.
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Having access to brilliant alcohol-free alternatives makes this significantly easier. My favourite gin distillers, Salcombe Gin, are behind the @NewLondonLight; a 0% spirit that doesn’t compromise on taste. So whether you’re pregnant, doing Dry January or simply attempting to live lighter, you can still enjoy a Sunday evening tipple. How do you feel about the alcohol free movement?
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Get 20% off with code ‘NLL20Beth’ 🍊 #NewLondonLight #LiveLightNLL #NLL
Top 5 Books I read in 2020 ☕️ ~
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Where the Crawdads Sing, Delia Owens: totally captivating, unusual and enchanting. I literally devoured this one!
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Queenie, Candice Carty-Williams: as well as being laugh out loud funny, Queenie is also an education. A must read on what it’s like to be a young black woman growing up in London. Also tackles mental health really well!
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The Flatshare, Beth O’Leary: I recommend this to anyone who just really needs a hug from a genuinely enjoyable book. It’s warm and lovely but offers depth well beyond your usual chick lit too.
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Homegoing, Yaa Gyasi: this novel is such a triumph! Spanning over 300 years from pre-colonial Ghana to present day USA, each chapter follows a new character in the lineage of two sisters. One sold to slavery, the other married to an English coloniser. It’s sweepingly powerful and incredibly well written. I could’ve read an entire book on each character!
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A Man Called Ove, Fredrik Backman: Ove was the very first book I read in 2020 and it stuck with me throughout the year. At its most basic, it’s the story of a cantankerous old man. Delve a little deeper and it’s funny, heartbreaking and incredibly heartwarming. I just love Ove!
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Hit the ‘save’ button to come back to this list when you’re in need of a good read! What were your books of the year? 📚
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PS. If more reading, less scrolling is one of your 2021 goals too then don’t forget you can come and join us at @bethsbookclub_ 😎
2 0 2 1: the year of you 🕊🤍
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Happy new year saucepots! We had an ultra rock n’ roll night (read our books in bed then watched the midnight fireworks - that was a nice surprise! - on a phone before falling promptly to sleep...) and today is all about a long walk, a longer bath, books and tea. And obviously starting a new diary because isn’t fresh stationary the best thing about a new year?!
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Are you setting New Years’ resolutions? I prefer a bit of reflection and mindset shifting. This year it’s all about setting firm positive boundaries, protecting my energy and saying no to things/people that don’t serve that. I like the new year, not for the ‘new me’ noise but rather as a chance to let go and embrace a fresh beginning again. ⚡️☕️
As far as NYE outfits go, I’m not mad about this As far as NYE outfits go, I’m not mad about this one...🐻🥂 I hope you’re all well and excited to bid farewell to 2020. I know the clock striking midnight doesn’t fundamentally change anything but I’m hopeful that we can look forward with more optimism. I always find the turn of the year really emotionally complex. I’m not even going to attempt to unpack this last one other than to rejoice that even amongst the lowest of lows there have been highs. My beloved Nan won’t see the new year, which is hard to contemplate. I also married my best friend. This time last year I was miserable on the sofa, a day after surgery for our first miscarriage and wishing I could press pause on life. Tonight I’m still on the sofa, but full and at peace rather than empty and grieving, looking forward. For us, 2021 will see the birth of our little cub so it’s one that I’m welcoming with open arms. So much can change in a year and I hope you can seek comfort in that. However you’re feeling tonight, I’ll raise my alco-free bubbles to you because you did it: you made it through one of the toughest years in history. Brighter days are coming ☀️💓
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