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Beth Sandland

Pregnancy After Loss: Coping in the First Trimester

01/05/2021 · Home

Pregnancy after loss: finding out you're pregnant after miscarriage. A positive pregnancy test.

After I had my first miscarriage, I always knew a subsequent pregnancy after loss would be an entirely different experience. There’s a stripping of innocence that occurs when you experience the crushing realisation that a positive pregnancy test does not always result in a babe in arms. You might feel robbed of a certain joyful naivety or jealous of women who have had simpler journeys to motherhood.

I’m now fast approaching the final trimester of my third pregnancy and I can honestly say that it does get a little easier: hope is stronger than fear. Here are the things I’ve learnt so far about coping with pregnancy after loss during the first trimester…


Pregnancy After Loss: The First Trimester

Finding out you’re pregnant again

Taking a pregnancy test after loss becomes an act of as much fear as hope. In the moment, I felt very matter of fact about the two pink lines. Unlike the first time where surprise met excitement, met nerves, met rushing to tell my husband, this time it was a far more subdued affair. “Oh, it’s positive…” then I went about my morning routine, showering, washing my hair and cleaning my teeth. When I was done in the bathroom I found my husband and showed him the pee-covered stick poking out of my dressing gown pocket; “so, that’s that then.” (but is it? we’ve been here twice before…)

In the weeks that followed between 4 and 7, when I had a scan at the EPU booked, I was a mess. I struggle to think about that period of pregnancy after loss without reliving the trauma, so convinced was I that this pregnancy too would end in tears of heartbreak rather than jubilation. I cried a lot, spent a lot of time in bed and struggled to be around people. I checked my knickers multiple times an hour, feared going to the loo and spent endless, torturous hours on Google and forums.

I don’t honestly know how to make this part of pregnancy after loss much easier for anyone else other than to say: STEP AWAY FROM THE INTERNET. Google is not your friend and Sally294 on Mumsnet isn’t going to change the destined outcome either.

Tell people straight away

I firmly believe everyone has the right to share a pregnancy whenever they see fit, whether that’s at 4 weeks or 40. However, I’m really anti the ’12 week rule’. It stigmatises anything that may occur before that point and leaves women feeling alone and secretive at a time when they’re most in need of emotional support, regardless of the outcome of the pregnancy.

For us, this pregnancy was never a secret. We told close family and friends immediately. It didn’t make it less special (though we didn’t want a song and dance) nor did it add any pressure. It simply meant we had support if we needed to call upon it. Telling the people who didn’t even know I was pregnant that we’d lost our first baby was significantly harder than telling those who already knew.

Note: telling people you love and trust doesn’t have to mean announcing to the world. Whilst it was never a “but please don’t tell anyone else!” secret, I didn’t share publicly until almost 16 weeks.

Scanxiety

Different people will have different views on this but for me, I welcomed the extra scans. In fact, they got me through the first trimester of pregnancy after loss. At 7 weeks we had an NHS scan at the EPU and I went along expecting a literal and figurative death sentence. Instead, we saw the teeniest heart beating inside a little peanut and heard the words “there’s your baby” for the first time in three pregnancies. I sobbed whilst poor, lovely Jason the sonographer was still busy wielding his magic dildo wand.

After that we were released from any additional NHS care as everything looked sound, so we booked private scans. We went at 9 and 11 weeks in between our 7 and 13 week NHS ones and breaking what felt like an endless marathon down into fortnightly increments helped.

That isn’t to say scans were exactly joyous occasions. The anxiety beforehand was crippling and the immense relief only lasted so long before a little unwelcome voice creeped in – “just because it was fine yesterday doesn’t mean it’s fine now…”

Turning to the stats

Where I couldn’t trust my own mindset to propel me through, I turned to the stats. I knew that each healthy scan decreased the likelihood of miscarriage and that even the most gruelling of journeys more often than not ends with a healthy ‘take home’ baby. For some, numbers and statistics are entirely unhelpful. For me, they gave me something concrete to focus on during the early stage of pregnancy after loss. I started thinking a little in odds and found that, if I were a betting woman, they were in my favour.

“It is more likely to go right” or “this is in your favour” became my mantra to myself in the loo before scans. Even when I struggled to honestly believe things could possibly be okay, I allowed myself to rely on that.

Recognise when Fear is talking

This was – and still is – the most helpful tool for me. I realised that all of my thoughts, feelings and fears were entirely valid. They weren’t irrational or silly but based on past trauma. And still – it was often Fear doing the talking. I began to take note of each thought and recognise when Fear was in charge. I acknowledged it but tried not to indulge (you know when you let your brain run away with a worst case scenario day dream?), replacing where possible with a hopeful thought about the outcome of my pregnancy after loss.

You cannot possibly jinx it by hoping, just as worrying won’t make bad news any easier

It is simply not possible to want a baby too much, to think too positively, to hope too hard. You will not harm the outcome by clinging to every ounce of hope you can muster, but you might make the overall experience ever so slightly kinder on yourself. Just as, worry and stress won’t suddenly make bad news easier to swallow because you’d already spent hours fearing this. That isn’t to say that your worry or stress isn’t valid – I possess it in abundance – but rather that you are allowed to hope.

Someone I follow on Instagram (@missmalinsara) lost a little girl after a fight in Great Ormond Street. She wrote about how on the darkest days she would picture herself leaving the hospital with her baby and all the wonderful things they would do together. Though their story didn’t have a happy ending, she still cites that level of hope and positive day dreaming as absolutely crucial and encourages others to do the same. I felt lucky to read that caption when I did because it made me feel stronger; if she can do that in a circumstance that is literally my worst nightmare, then I can do this.


Resources that can help

  • Pregnancy after Loss by Zoe Clark-Coates: this book is a brilliant step by step guide that literally holds your hand and gives you practical advice throughout the full 40 weeks
  • Tommy’s: Tommy’s will provide support surrounding loss and pregnancy after loss. There are stories on their hub of both as well as a helpline.
  • The Miscarriage Association: offer practical advice and support
  • Sands: specifically supports those who have experienced a stillbirth or neonatal death, including in subsequent pregnancies

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Comments

  1. ANON says

    01/05/2021 at 18:05

    Thank you so much for this – it’s going to be an invaluable resource for so many people.
    I’m currently 30 weeks pregnant after a missed miscarriage in the first week of the first lockdown last year and like you, I really hate how much joy it has robbed from this pregnancy; from finding out to telling our parents again to being scared for every scan, being extra anxious about movements, not wanting to buy things for fear of jinxing the pregnancy – I only announced this pregnancy widely last week and even then only to my small friendship circle on Facebook, not Instagram. I’m sitting here now feeling our little girl move inside me and although the anxiety is nowhere near as bad as it was in the first trimester, I still feel myself having negative thoughts about how it’s bound not to work out and have to actively stop myself, tell myself that I believe everyone else’s pregnancies will work out, so why not mine. I still find it hard to believe that we’ll be bringing our little girl home in a matter of weeks (but I can’t wait until we do).
    I don’t think any pregnancy will ever be the same again and I’m so glad to see people talking about how difficult it really is.
    I’m so sorry for everything you have been through – you don’t realise how difficult pregnancy loss is until you’ve been through it yourself – and I wish you the healthiest and happiest of journeys.
    Xxx

    Reply
  2. Libby says

    01/05/2021 at 20:26

    Thank you for this, I’m living this journey. I’ve cried through this blog but I’m left with comfort and hope. Almost at 11 weeks 🙌

    Reply
    • Beth Sandland says

      01/05/2021 at 21:45

      Thanks for such a kind comment. You’ve got this Mama 💓

      Reply
  3. Stacey says

    01/05/2021 at 23:25

    Thank you for this!! It feels like I wrote it. My rainbow baby is now 6 months old. X

    Reply
  4. Motherhood :-) says

    01/07/2021 at 22:36

    This is so refreshing. I am so pleased for you and for all the readers of this that you have written and shared this. I went through a miscarriage nearly 5 years ago now and it still hurts every day but no one talked about it! There were so little resources available and I really looked, may be not in the right places but I really looked. I think it’s so important and valuable for women to be able to talk about it. It’s not a taboo subject, it hurts like hell and women and their partners should be able to talk about it freely without embarrassment. My rainbow baby is 2 1/2 now. Pregnancy the second time around was terrifying. Good luck with the last weeks of your pregnancy. Enjoy it and look forward to those scrummy newborn cuddles! xx

    Reply

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I am a multi-award winning blogger, photographer and writer from London. I’ve travelled to over 38 countries, lived out of a backpack for a year and love to scuba dive! This site is a destination for all things travel, lifestyle and my successful online book club.

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A hug in a bowl from the inside out, this steaming bowl of sweet and sour broth is the perfect warmer for a moody January day. Taking care of yourself - here in a winter lockdown - is more important now than ever. It’s healthy, fresh and ultra comforting and all the ingredients are easily picked up at @waitroseandpartners during your weekly shop.
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Serves: 4
🌶: Medium heat (warm rather than hot) - add more or less chilli oil to taste!
🥬: Vegan version: skip the chicken, make the broth as is then add peeled and chopped veggies of your choosing instead of the shredded poached chicken.
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👩🏻‍🍳: Ease level: foolproof!
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Nursery pending 👶🏼🌈🎨 I’ve hated this Nursery pending 👶🏼🌈🎨 I’ve hated this room for the last year. After our first loss it completely taunted me and I couldn’t bring myself to do anything with it other than use it as a giant Monica cupboard. It’s been called so many things - ‘the middle room’, ‘the spare room’, it even stayed as ‘Emily’s room’ for a long time after our lodger moved out - but now we finally call it the baby’s room 🥰🤍 #week28 #thirdtrimester #nurserydecoration #pregnancyafterloss
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😭 Hormonal wreck: I haven’t really had mood swings at all throughout pregnancy but oh my goodness have the hormones got me good this week. There have been tears. And hysterical sobbing. Sorry husband.
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🏀 Basketball belly: the stretch is real! My uterus is now firmly up under my ribs and I swear I can feel them slowly pulling apart. I cried when I sneezed - “it’s like someone STABBED me” (see point 1). Everything feels very round and my old belly piercing scar is not thrilled about life...
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👈🏼 Still an innie: ....just. It’s more like a saucer where it was once a cereal bowl.
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🦒 All the cute things: we’ve decided on a neutral safari themed nursery. Says the person who hates themes.
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💸 “But they’re so small...😭”: I’m officially on a tiny clothes shopping ban. I’ve rinsed eBay and some lovely small brands (and the Zara sale) and I get an eye roll every time I smuggle a new parcel into the nursery.
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🥴 Tasting everything 6 times over: Hi reflux.
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📖 Reading: Your Baby, Your Birth by Hollie de Cruz is next on my bedside table.
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Two things in life that you just can’t have too Two things in life that you just can’t have too much of: books and tea. My survival tools! ☕️📖💫
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Here are 3 titles I’ve read recently (and rated 5/5 - I’m a harsh critic) that are perfect if you need a pick me up or some escapism...
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1. The Authenticity Project by Clare Pooley: an old man leaves a notebook in a cafe for a stranger to find telling his ‘truth’ and challenging them to do the same. The catalyst for a web of unusual friendships and genuine, warm characters...
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2. Educated by Tara Westover: a memoir that reads a little like a fiction depicting Tara’s life growing up in a strict Mormon family in Idaho with a survivalist father who is battling undiagnosed mental illness. They don’t believe in formal education or medicine and any form of governance is the work of the Illuminati. Covers some heavy themes (tw: abuse) and is extremely interesting and engaging.
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3. Queenie by Candice Carty-Williams: sometimes laugh out loud funny, sometimes poignantly sad, Queenie is a vivacious twenty-something growing up as a black woman in an ever gentrifying south London. A crap boyfriend, covert racism and a battle with anxiety paint a backdrop whilst she navigates daily life. It’s excellent!
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Monty the monstera is going to start eating dentists soon. My top tips for a super healthy swiss cheese plant -
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🌱 A lovely bright spot away from direct sun (not a problem in winter) and radiators.
🌱 Intuitive watering: stick your finger in and water when the top 2” of the soil are dry, rather than to a set schedule. The amount needed depends on your plant (I use around 700ml approx every 10 days) but make sure you’ve got good drainage!
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26 weeks: mini diary 🤍 ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ 26 weeks: mini diary 🤍
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With less than 2 weeks until the final trimester I thought I’d try and document weekly, as much for me to look back on. This photo is already a week old and I seem to be growing by the day!
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What’s the crack this week?...
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😴 Sleepy AF: A new wave of exhaustion has hit. It makes sense - babies generally double their weight between 24-28 wks. I’ve started going to bed earlier/falling asleep at 9pm in front of Bridgerton.
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🤧 Pelvic floor: Sneezing brings ALL the fear!
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🐙 Movement: I saw my belly move from the outside like a scene from Alien for the first time. At bed time it feels like a small octopus is doing the Macarena in my uterus. It’s still the most magical feeling in the world.
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👶🏼 Prep: The pram arrived this week! We ordered it in a brilliant Silver Cross sale. I was feeling a bit flat about the loss of that ‘pram shopping with my bump’ experience due to lockdown but putting it together made me happy - it’s so beautiful! And so surreal - we own a pram!
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📖 Reading: The Positive Birth Book by @milli.hill. It puts across all options in a clear, non-judgey, humorous way and has made me think of things I’d never heard of. It’s also the first time I’ve understood what a birth plan might physically look/read like.
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🧘🏼‍♀️ Hypnobirthing: I’ve started to feel more nervous about the birth (not the actual act or the pain, rather fears I won’t share as don’t want to project) but we’re starting hypnobirthing online next week which I’m looking forward to!
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👯‍♀️ Following: @birth_ed, @takingcarababies, @mixing.up.motherhood are accounts that are bringing joy/invaluable info.
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#26weeks #rainbowbaby🌈 #secondtrimester #pregnancyafterloss
I loved being a pregnant bride. Often a baby is a I loved being a pregnant bride. Often a baby is a reason to delay or speed up a wedding (lots assumed that was the case for us, but it wasn’t!) and is generally seen as perhaps spoiling things a little. It’s totally fine if you do feel that way, but for us it made it extra magical. It felt totally right to have our little bub between us as we exchanged vows and I was happy to embrace the bump in my dress. I still chose exactly the look and fit I wanted and wore the sparkly heels and in a way, I found trying dresses on much lower pressure as I wasn’t worrying about my figure. Perhaps the biggest difference was staying sober and the fact that we had a tiny wedding with a fancy lunch rather than a party probably made this a lot easier. I raised a toast with our four guests but beyond that, I didn’t have any inclination to drink anyway. Bonus - a great nights sleep and no hangover! 🥂👰🏻
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Photographer: @victoriasomersethowphotography
Dress: ASOS
Box fresh kicks ready to explore [from the bedroom Box fresh kicks ready to explore [from the bedroom to the kitchen, to the loo...aaand repeat]...at least they’ll stay clean 🥴☕️
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Type into browser: https://rstyle.me/cz-n/ewjdwzcbq2x (junior size 🤑 if under a UK 5.5)
AD: Pregnancy has given me a lot of time to reflec AD: Pregnancy has given me a lot of time to reflect on my relationship with alcohol over the last year. 🍸 I flitted between giving it up when pregnant or for fertility purposes, then using it as an emotional crutch in loss which made me more anxious and restless. This time - now 6 months pregnant - I haven’t had a drink since August and have been really pleasantly surprised by how little I’ve missed it, even over the festive season. I’m not into vilifying booze; I enjoy a couple of drinks and even the feeling of lowered inhibitions and being tipsy. But I know that even post-pregnancy and the other-side of the hazy newborn/breastfeeding days, I’ll try and maintain a far more positive relationship with alcohol which for me, looks like indulging lightly and occasionally.
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Having access to brilliant alcohol-free alternatives makes this significantly easier. My favourite gin distillers, Salcombe Gin, are behind the @NewLondonLight; a 0% spirit that doesn’t compromise on taste. So whether you’re pregnant, doing Dry January or simply attempting to live lighter, you can still enjoy a Sunday evening tipple. How do you feel about the alcohol free movement?
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Get 20% off with code ‘NLL20Beth’ 🍊 #NewLondonLight #LiveLightNLL #NLL
Top 5 Books I read in 2020 ☕️ ~
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Where the Crawdads Sing, Delia Owens: totally captivating, unusual and enchanting. I literally devoured this one!
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Queenie, Candice Carty-Williams: as well as being laugh out loud funny, Queenie is also an education. A must read on what it’s like to be a young black woman growing up in London. Also tackles mental health really well!
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The Flatshare, Beth O’Leary: I recommend this to anyone who just really needs a hug from a genuinely enjoyable book. It’s warm and lovely but offers depth well beyond your usual chick lit too.
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Homegoing, Yaa Gyasi: this novel is such a triumph! Spanning over 300 years from pre-colonial Ghana to present day USA, each chapter follows a new character in the lineage of two sisters. One sold to slavery, the other married to an English coloniser. It’s sweepingly powerful and incredibly well written. I could’ve read an entire book on each character!
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A Man Called Ove, Fredrik Backman: Ove was the very first book I read in 2020 and it stuck with me throughout the year. At its most basic, it’s the story of a cantankerous old man. Delve a little deeper and it’s funny, heartbreaking and incredibly heartwarming. I just love Ove!
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Hit the ‘save’ button to come back to this list when you’re in need of a good read! What were your books of the year? 📚
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PS. If more reading, less scrolling is one of your 2021 goals too then don’t forget you can come and join us at @bethsbookclub_ 😎
2 0 2 1: the year of you 🕊🤍
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Happy new year saucepots! We had an ultra rock n’ roll night (read our books in bed then watched the midnight fireworks - that was a nice surprise! - on a phone before falling promptly to sleep...) and today is all about a long walk, a longer bath, books and tea. And obviously starting a new diary because isn’t fresh stationary the best thing about a new year?!
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Are you setting New Years’ resolutions? I prefer a bit of reflection and mindset shifting. This year it’s all about setting firm positive boundaries, protecting my energy and saying no to things/people that don’t serve that. I like the new year, not for the ‘new me’ noise but rather as a chance to let go and embrace a fresh beginning again. ⚡️☕️
As far as NYE outfits go, I’m not mad about this As far as NYE outfits go, I’m not mad about this one...🐻🥂 I hope you’re all well and excited to bid farewell to 2020. I know the clock striking midnight doesn’t fundamentally change anything but I’m hopeful that we can look forward with more optimism. I always find the turn of the year really emotionally complex. I’m not even going to attempt to unpack this last one other than to rejoice that even amongst the lowest of lows there have been highs. My beloved Nan won’t see the new year, which is hard to contemplate. I also married my best friend. This time last year I was miserable on the sofa, a day after surgery for our first miscarriage and wishing I could press pause on life. Tonight I’m still on the sofa, but full and at peace rather than empty and grieving, looking forward. For us, 2021 will see the birth of our little cub so it’s one that I’m welcoming with open arms. So much can change in a year and I hope you can seek comfort in that. However you’re feeling tonight, I’ll raise my alco-free bubbles to you because you did it: you made it through one of the toughest years in history. Brighter days are coming ☀️💓
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